When You’ve Hurt Someone, How Do You Make Amends? (& May Giveaway)
- Maggie Wallem Rowe
- May 6
- 4 min read
IN TODAY’S LETTER
Spiritual Gifts Assessment – After last week’s letter, many of you requested an online tool. You’ll find a suggested one from Lifeway at the end.
May Giveaway! Pickleball Parables: Inspiration On and Off the Court by Jackie Freeman
AUDIO LETTER
ON FRIDAY, APRIL 25, 2025, I OFFERED TO BUY A STRANGER A DRINK.
A strange man, no less. Even worse, it was only 8 o’clock in the morning.
They say there’s a first time for everything.
Some of you know I have a lifelong aversion to alcohol. I’m unable to imbibe even small sips at a wedding celebration without immediately experiencing an adverse physical response. My doctor says my reaction to spirits is informally called “Asian flush.” I’ve yet to spot any eastern influence in my Norwegian DNA, but nevertheless I develop a fast heart rate and nausea among other negative reactions.
So for teetotaler me to offer a drink to a stranger is stranger still.
If I’d been in a bar approaching a dark-haired man half my age, the storyline would be worthy of a sitcom. As it was, I was simply boarding an early-morning flight in Asheville—nothing unusual there.
That is, until I tried to stow my carryon bag in the overhead compartment. It wasn’t heavy, but my backpack stuffed with laptop and books certainly was. As I lifted my red suitcase over my head, the weight of my pack pulled me backwards and I lost my grip on my bag, only to have it come down squarely atop a 40’ish man in an aisle seat.
I was horrified, and even more so when the flight attendant rushed over to scold me for not checking the bag. I happen to be a woman of a certain age, and I instantly thought of those awful viral videos where blonde women called “Karens” (apologies to every friend with that lovely name) are escorted off airliners for creating a ruckus on board.
When someone is injured in the movies, aren’t you supposed to give them a shot of whiskey or something to revive them? I apologized profusely and impulsively offered to buy the man a drink. (Not all that generous—I had a free drink coupon on my boarding pass that would go unused!)
The man shrugged off my offer and I shrunk into my window seat, embarrassed and regretful. The man’s wife was a darling, though.
“Not to worry,” she said consolingly. “Hubby’s got a hard head. He just wants to go back to sleep.”
What do you do when you’ve hurt someone, intentionally or not? How do you make amends?
First, of course, you need to know what you’ve done or what the other party thinks you did so that you can apologize. Just be sure that an offense truly has been committed.
Decades ago, I spent a Saturday at Park Street Church on the Boston Common in response to an offer from their pastor of spiritual formation to provide a “Soul Care” day for women in regional leadership. After listening to me for perhaps 30 minutes, Pastor Adele interrupted me.
“Maggie Rowe,” she said firmly, eyebrows arched. “I’ve just met you, but you apologize more than anyone I know.”
Stunned, I stared at her. Was that a bad thing? Wasn’t it better to apologize proactively—to establish from the get-go how inept I believed myself to be at leadership, how potentially prone to disappointing other people?
“I’m sorry!” I blurted out.
“There!” she said, a bit triumphantly. “You did it again.”
Over the years since, I’ve realized that my people-pleasing tendencies were leading me to issue too many disclaimers about the many spiritual gifts I lack (see last week’s post!) By proclaiming my weaknesses to one and all, I thought I could beat critics to the punch.
It took a long time for me to realize that when it comes to lifting ourselves up or putting ourselves down, it’s time to get off that particular elevator. Self-deprecation is just another form of pride, albeit on the opposite end of the spectrum.
While it’s unhealthy to apologize for that which we haven’t done, what about those times when we discover we actually have hurt someone, intentionally or not?
We all know the importance of asking forgiveness and doing it quickly lest the offense linger. When we fail to make things right out of stubbornness or pride or a sense of self-righteousness, the gap widens. The barrier of recrimination between two people grows and becomes a wall.
I often listen to Christian contemporary music as I walk at the rec center in the mornings. Several weeks ago, I was so struck by the lyrics to a new song by the Sidewalk Prophets called “I Apologize” that I stopped mid-track to study them.
The singer is addressing the prodigal, the wanderer, the questioner. He’s apologizing on behalf of himself or perhaps the entire Church for the times insistence on being right turns others away from faith and the God of grace.
The refrain is a heartfelt admission of remorse:
" 'Cause I've done all the wrong things
For what I thought were right reasons
But that is no excuse. . .
"For the words I said that Jesus wouldn't say
For the chance to love I just threw away
You are loved the way you are,
I'm sorry I left out that part
Turns out I'm the one that needed grace. . . "
- I Apologize, Sidewalk Prophets, 2025
Due to copyright laws, I won’t republish the full lyrics here, but perhaps someone you know could use this modern-day psalm of apology:
And as for me? On my return trip from New England last month, I checked my assault weapon – my red suitcase.
No sense in taking chances.
Grateful for grace,
Maggie
IT'S YOUR TURN.
(1) Do you play pickleball or have a friend who's an avid player?
I love this new devotional by gifted writer Jackie Freeman. To enter, include the word "pickleball" at the end of your comment about this week's topic.
The winner will receive a signed copy that you can enjoy yourself or gift to a friend.
(And if you need that gift right away, here's a link to order!) Pickleball Parables: Inspiration On and Off the Court
(2) Online tool for assessing spiritual gifts: